Challanges – Well-Being Counsellor

Difficult People

I can be a difficult person. For some people. Some of the time. Probably, you can be too.

Sometimes my energy is strong, or out of proportion. Sometimes I don’t respond in the way that the other person wants or needs. And sometimes people get upset, irritated or annoyed, with me.

Sometimes I get annoyed and irritated when I don’t get what I want or need from the other person. When they don’t listen to me in the way that I want them to, or when they don’t understand what I am talking about because its outside their experience. I guess that makes me a difficult person, for that person, in that moment.

I have my difficult people too. Sometimes it makes perfect sense why I find that person or situation difficult. And there are other people that I simply find difficult, for reasons I don’t yet understand.

Normally we don’t talk about such things. It’s easier to judge or blame the other, so that we don’t need to look at our part in it. In any case it’s easier to ignore them or avoid them. After all, who wants to be around a difficult person?

I looked at some of the considered wisdom on the subject, some of the better advice I saw was over here on Forbes. I am sure some of it can be useful. The problem is that a lot of the advice is all about the other person: how you can protect yourself from these difficult people, and avoid them, and therefore continue to judge them. Ultimately that doesn’t solve very much.

I have found a different approach more helpful. I started using this mantra when I am challenged by one of my difficult people:

Here is a person, just like me:

This person is just like me, they are seeking some happiness for his/her life.
This person is just like me, they are trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.
Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair.
Just like me, this person is seeking to fulfil his/her needs.

(with huge thanks to Anita Sheehan for introducing me to this practice)

In this image, it is probably easier to identify with the guy in the blue. Who wants to be the guy in the orange? – but the reality is, we can all be both of them.

So instead of falling into negative thoughts, or blame or judgement – I recognise that this other person suffers like I do. It brings me more peace and calm than I can find otherwise. I am not running away from the difficult situation between us. I am not pretending thing are OK when thy are not. Sometimes they really did do something that was not good for me, or they judged me, or they did something that I felt was wrong. And maybe sometimes I just got triggered. AND at the same time, whatever they did or didn’t do they are also a human being with fears and hopes and longings, just like I am.

In some situations it takes a while to get to this place and to really mean it.

I invite you to play with it.

I gave this exercise recently in a two-day training I was giving for a client. Much to my surprise at the end of the training they asked to do this exercise again because they felt it would be a great way to go out in to the world.

I am wondering how you handle your difficult people?

And if you don’t think you have any, I invite you to look again. Maybe you are just ignoring them, and not noticing how much they annoy you. The thing is we all have shadows, and often the shadows show up in our interactions with other people, sometimes with the people we are closest to. Who in your circle annoys you the most? I invite you to use this mantra for that person and see what happens for you.

Please let me know in the comments below.

Challanges, Focusing session, Stress

Stressed to Impress

‘How focusing saved me when I met a person whom I terribly wanted to impress’

Guest article by Professional Coach Lenka Grackova. Lenka was one of my first clients and has also followed 3.5 days training in Whole Body Focusing

I sit down in my living room and look at the clock on the wall. Good, I still have enough time to get ready before I leave my home. For an unknown reason, I feel stressed. I have this strange feeling in my belly, telling me that I am anxious. I do not understand why. I am going out to meet a person whom I did not see for 9 years. I am looking forward to meeting him again. I am curious how he has changed. I really liked him at that time.

I am still sitting on the sofa and feel frozen. I do not feel like standing up and get myself moving. I look at the clock again. I still have some time, and I can not leave in such a state. I need to take some time to figure out what is happening.

I tune in and get aware of each part of my body. I notice my breath, my feelings, my appartment, my whole being. I ask my body to reveal what is happening.

The first idea that flashes in my head: „I am going to be late!“. My logical side totally disagrees and tries to push the idea out of the away. I focus again on my belly. I wish I could run away from that tense feeling. Instead I open up. I tune into the nervousness inside of me. I relax and focus on what is happening right now in my body. I feel weak. My arms and legs are without any power. I open up to that feeling as well.

I feel powerless. Suddenly I get a flash in my head. I feel I am not good enough. I would like the other person to enjoy being with me. I want him to be impressed. But I am worried that I might not be good enough. An emotional flood open up and I let the feeling pour out. I stay with my feelings of insufficiency. Another part of me starts calming me down or maybe complaining again that I do not feel confident. I open up to both parts. I give them as much space as possible. Until they can make peace. They become friends and my tense feeling in my belly goes away.

I thank my body for all that it revealed to me. I feel very much alive and energized. I look at the clock. Damn. Now I need to hurry up!

On the way to the restaurant, I start looking forward to the meeting. The curiousity takes over. I feel light. When I arrive to the place, I am almost on time (only 5 mins late). But finding a parking place seems impossible. I start stressing a little bit. Sending him a couple of messages that I am not able to find a parking place. After turning in circles for 15 more mins, I find a convenient place. I arrive to the restaurant 25 mins late. That’s a bit of a world record for me. I feel a little bit guilty, but the guy is extremely understanding.

I celebrate inside of me that I did my focusing session earlier on. If not, I would be feeling uncomfortable with such a bad start to the evening, and I would not be able to be myself. Instead we have a great evening together.

Before leaving the restaurant, I check myself in the mirror and smile. Oh no! A big piece of parsley is stuck in my teeth. I do a quick calculation, it has probably been there for at least an hour. I regret I was laughing that much. Then we go out from the restaurant and my friend offers to walk me to the car. Oh my goodness. Where did I park it? After being confused for a couple of minutes, I finally find my way.

After we say good bye and I go off in my car, I have to laugh. I am so happy that I did my focusing session. In the past with such „bad“ impressions, I would probably be driving back home devastated. Now I just think: What a funny story to tell! I need to share it with my focusing guide and teacher, Ruth Friedman. My body was right again. I was terribly late and I surely impressed the guy!

About Lenka: She creates motivation and passion at work by individual coaching. and she works to help people bring the passion back to their job. Thanks to her international experience in multinationals, she learned that the problem was not to be different, the problem was to be different while trying to do the things the same way like the others. More about Lenka www.challenging-goals.com

anger, Challanges, Challenging emotions, Conversations

A new way to deal with anger…

angry-woman-with-hood

Today, well all week actually, I am in a bit of a spat with someone – they did something that really upset me, made me angry, that has consequences for me –I could go on, but I will spare you. In any case, I am still pretty upset about the whole situation…

I am writing about it here because I’d like to reflect on how my response to it today is so different than how I’d deal with this type of situation in the past. Previously I have not been known to do well with anger…… I have been reactive and difficult to be around. In fact, I’d do anything other than just feel the anger, so that I can move on to get life back on track – despite this irritating thing this other person did.

Through my work with focusing – I have learnt a new way to respond , to ground myself and the results this morning were remarkable.

This morning before leaving home, I was triggered again by an email I read. There I was fuming mad all over again!! I had been planning to ride my bike to my office – and I was suddenly was aware of an inner voice saying ‘ be careful – you’re ungrounded , it ‘ll be a mess!’. This voice knowing that I have a history of accidents happening when I’v e been ungrounded – and some of them have been pretty nasty over the years. It has been at my peril when I didn’t pay attention to this voice in the past!

Today though I heard an inner response ‘Hang on a minute, I want to ride my bike! – I just got it repaired yesterday and it’s no good just sitting in the shed’. I took another moment – and sat with these two voices, allowing them both to be there. Then I realised that I needed to ground myself and it would be fine! So I did just that, I took the moment to feel my whole body – to feel the ground beneath my feet , to feel the energy and to feel everything that was going on for me right there in the moment. I felt the energy pulsating through me, as I sent it down into the ground.

Quite quickly I felt gratitude, for my life and for this practice, even as the anger was still present – but I felt alive in it, in a totally new way. So I duly cycled to work, and even as I was cycling along I could feel the ground through my feet, through the pedals in fact – that was a bit of a weird experience I have to admit!!

I am glad to say I am now safely sitting in my office writing this blog!!

It never ceases to amaze me how the simple act of grounding and making space for everything thats there gives me more space and freedom in my life.